art of losing 12.17

Dec. 11
Parenting Nouse, 1999-2017

I'm all about the babies, the toddlers, the 3's and 4's--boy do I miss the 4's--and kindergarten;
first-graders and I were meant to be together, and even 7's turning 8 are like star-
crossed lovers to me, turning at the end of the year excitingly to the bigger
world and leaving me a bit behind and bereft of my satellites, of
mission control.  I did fine with 9-12 and maybe even 13 and
14, but 15--this 15--is wrenching, especially now that
I think I understand what must be done and I don't
feel equipped to do it.  Like right now, love is
not enough; it's blinding, it wrings the tough
out of me, if I ever had any, and it seems
like tough is going to be required, but
how to do tough without rough,
without anger, tough with
patience? how to
know when

the moment
requires not tough but
all the aching searing compassion I might have had for the first skinned knee, for the
bewildered understanding that passes all peace, for the torn heart hugging the tree today,
might have had if ever
I had known
that moment
for myself?


Dec. 10 


Dec. 9

Dec. 8
So Many Earrings, 1976 -

lost  lost and found  lost again lost in a pocket lost in a bag lost the other one
lost and kept the mate kept the mate kept the mate kept the mate until it
was time to make an artwork out of them  lost the same
version of silver hoops over and over again  lost
getting into the car lost getting out of the car
lost pushed out by a scarf  luckily never
lost in a cat fight lost in the class-
room  found at the end of the
year  lost on the dresser  lost
in the bathroom  blown off
the sink by the hair dryer
lost in the wastebasket
lost so regular          ly
that my Villa           ge
Voice person            al
ad noted                  my
collecti                    on
of 109

earrings
I wonder
how many
I've lost in a
lifetime of earr
                      in
                      gs
                       ?





Dec. 7
Some Fear,  1969 - Today

I heard about the man, a prisoner, who, starved and beaten and surely afraid,
wrote the names of his fellows in human blood on scraps of cloth sewn
into the collar of a shirt, a shirt that would be worn by whichever of
the company of prisoners was first released, carried out into the
world on his own back.    Witness.    And I ask myself, sitting
here with my cup of tea in my flannel pajamas, comfort
abounding, how I dare fear any pain, any torrent of
grief that I work so hard to keep contained, writ
in the pulse of my overfed blood, sewn into
the muscle of my unmarked neck and
back, worn like a skin.    Listen.
I have no right to fear, must
begin to look at it,
live it, leave it,
let go,

lose
those losses.


Dec. 6
Weight, Never


and then there are the things
--the thing--we cannot lose, no,
no matter how we try.  every cupboard
every meal every event conspiring against
us, reasons to eat a thousand times a day, auto-
matic pop-it-in: to have a taste, to combat waste, to
join the fun, grab on the run, to self-reward, because we're
bored, because it's time, it tastes sublime.  Hunger doesn't come
into it, really.  And so instead of losing we find we have gained more
                                                                                                                        than we could
                                                                                                                                  ever use



Dec. 5
Daylight, Annually


Here in the midatlantic, summer porch and patio May through October, light
in the sky from 5:30 to 9, fifteen hours daylight magnified by the lens of
each eye, lightbath drawing down into arteries like liquid speed,
moving every anatomical millimeter of this 50-year vessel,
a daily re-fresh of all and sundry gumptions until
the consumption of darkness, paid in moon-
coin, can no longer be eluded, cooling
nightlight minifying day to a mere
nine and what there is graying
at the roots, chilling all and
sundry assumptions of
vital incandescence.

Nothing for
that but to drink.



**********************
Let's lighten things up a little here...

Dec. 4
Spelling Bee, 1975

My worst year ever, holed up in the central library hoping for a safe place in the new "open school."
The one thing I knew would go well was the spelling bee, held in one of the "classrooms" of
"Delta House."  (Of course all my friends from 5th grade were in Alpha House.)
I easily won the school competition, nonstop reader with a photographic
memory for orthography, and moved on to the city level contest.
So excited: my forte, my moment, my time to shine past
buck teeth & lank hair. The word was POTABLE, and
even if I had asked for the meaning I would have
spelled it PODIBLE, because what kind of a
word is POTABLE? and clearly the
announcer had pronounced
it with the laziness of yer
typical American.
ELIMINATED
was the word
they used.

Shame
was the heat
I felt.

draft HM 12.17


Yep, that really lightened things up.

**********************
Dec. 3
L.A.S.  1982-1991

Before you were my bridesmaid, my housemate, my fratority sister, my best friend (was I ever yours?), we stood freshman year in line for a romantic comedy and you informed me that 
at 18 we weren't supposed to be falling in love with  our future husbands; we were 
supposed to be practicing that.  I didn’t know; despite ample evidence, I still
thought I was supposed to marry the first guy I fell in love with. I was always 
a bit unsubtle, a black-and-white kind of thinker, really enjoyed that high-
contrast Keith Haring look of the 80’s.   Later, when you fell in love
with someone I didn’t approve of, you called me judgmental and
I deserved it. I hadn’t yet been crushed into compassion by
my own wrong marriage, hadn’t yet learned that what
happened to my parents freshman year was wildly
unlikely, that love would take me to a place that I
thought was imaginary, like the New York City
of Claudia and Harriet, which was real daily     
childhood for you, my friend.  So love took
me (practice losing farther, losing faster);
I left you and now when I look back
you are still wearing that unwise
black-&-white polka-dot dress,
because I could not see what
suited anyone but me,
and really not even
myself, either.

I'd like
to tell you
I was wrong
about the dress,
and about so much else. 
Please 
write.



draft (c) HM 12.17


***************************
Dec. 2

Planetary Pajamas, 2008-2018?


anticipation of loss.  the beginning of the end.   lightweight long-sleeved long-legged 
soft periwinkle planetary pajamas leaving me slowly, having come unexpectedly, 
bought for someone else for more money than I would spend on myself. 
are you not wearing these? can I have them then?  thinning, sagging, 
drawstring replaced with knotted elastic, seams coming loose--

seems like sleeping is hard work all night six months

a year for nine years, dreaming alongside every

new hi-tech brainwave in Jetson-print jersey,

fading, wearing thinner and thinner,

hems dragging. how long can

they withstand the labor

of my space-age

slumber?


still I

keep on 

wearing them, with grieving

aforethought.



draft (c) HM 12.17




****************************
One Art | Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
the art of losing’s not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

********************************

For good reason this is one of the poems we know best, often used as a model for the villanelle form, but this month I set it as the backdrop of MyPoPerDay project.  I'm going to practice being a loser this month and write (not in villanelles!) about losses small and large. It's not an area of mastery for me.


Nov. 29
That White Jacket, 1984-1987
definitely not me

Not until we were in the airport already--warm day, air conditioning--
did I realize I had left the essential layer
for cool East German summers
draped over the exercise bike
in my bedroom:
ripping
help
less
ness.
 
Later
I lost it for real
in the NYC subway.
Somehow that hurt less.
At least maybe someone was using it.


Nov. 30
"Engagement" Bracelet, c. 1994-2014

I miss the heavy, quiet clank of your hollow links, your easy toggle
on and off, the way your sterling silver polished itself
against my wrist, the way you steadfastly balanced
the weight, on my other arm, of any watch
in my parade of big plastic Swatches.
I miss your daily reminder of our
not the same at all
weighty commitment to love.
I took you off to swim
with the family
and you dis-
appeared
in the
grass.

I am
not over
you; I don't
feel like myself
without you; no number
of trendy silver bangles can begin to
replace you. Who cries
over an old
bracelet?
I do.


Dec. 1
Uterus, 1964-2002


We had only just gotten to know each other, really.  Companionably
silent for years, you came into your own, did what you were
designed to do and did it well.  Then complications
arose, and I'm sorry that the rest of me wasn't
up to the task, sorry that you took the
blame on that night of blood
not my uterus, either
and panic.

It was 
strange to
wake up and
find you gone.
We had unfinished 
business,  a contract 
to dissolve, 
a farewell 
to feel. 



drafts (c) HM 12.17

2 comments:

  1. The loss of daylight is a palpable loss. That's why I love celebrating the Solstice -- we can start to measure the seconds and minutes we regain!

    Weight -- I love how you went serious-funny-serious.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love the danglings on the earring losses.

    Parenting -- so hard to know how to give what we never got ourselves. Maybe that's why I begged off the whole endeavor...

    ReplyDelete